Schumaker: Damn it feels good to eat a sandwich
- May. 2, 2012
- 0 Comments
Yo, have you ever had a sandwich? I have! I’ve had multiple sandwiches, in fact. I had a sandwich earlier today! It was a ground beef patty and cheddar sandwich, also known as a “cheeseburger.” Cheeseburgers like to pretend that they’re not sandwiches, but they’re just playing hard to get.
I’m writing about this amazing food product in celebration of Sandwich Appreciation Week, or I would be if that were a real holiday. Anyways, I’d like to share with you some amazing facts about sandwiches.
A lot of people don’t know this, but sandwiches are the motherfreaking best. It doesn’t matter what meat or plant-based paste you slap on the bread, it will always turn out righteous. Ham, turkey, peanut butter: there is no such thing as a bad sandwich topping (with the possible exception of chicken salad which is delicious in theory but has been uniformly terrible every time I’ve ordered it).
Besides toppings, you can change up your sandwich by substituting different kinds of bread. There’s white bread, rye, wheat, whole wheat, honey wheat, and several thousand other variations on wheat. If this is your first time hearing about sandwiches, it might be a lot to take in, but trust me: if you stick with sandwiches, they’ll never let you down (unless it is a chicken salad sandwich, which, again, will be terrible).
Many people think that the Earl of Sandwich was inventor of the sandwich, or at least gave it its name. This is unfortunately no more than a fanciful story. Sandwiches have, of course, existed since time immemorial and were first discovered in ancient Greece.
The story goes that Zeus of the Wandering Groin was cheating on his wife, Hera of the Jealous Ankles, with a wood nymph. When she discovered his philandering, she turned the nymph into a Reuben sandwich with a side of fries and Zeus gobbled them up either in honor of the nymph or because he was hungry. Alternately, the chicken salad sandwich was created when Pandora opened her box and Evil spread into the world.
Of course, no discussion of the sandwich would be complete without a discussion of its place in our nation’s history. During the battle of Gettysburg, the Confederate army threatened to overtake the Union flank. The men of the 20th Maine under command of Colonel Joshua Chamberlain were charged with its defense, but were low on ammunition and in need of a miracle. At that moment, Chamberlain downed a Philly cheesesteak and came up with the idea to charge the enemy. This is why Philly cheesesteak sandwiches are despised in the South.
Later, a sentient chicken salad sandwich shot President Lincoln.
As Sandwich Appreciation Week comes to a close, please remember to celebrate safely. I know many of you will be doing PBJ shots and deli stands, which is when you eat as many BLT sandwiches as you can while being held upside down, but please exercise moderation. Celebrate, but remember the spirit of Sandwich Appreciation Week.
We all remember the moment in Charles Dickens’ classic, “A Sandwich Carol”, when Scrooge is visited by the ghost of Sandwich Present and sees the Cratchit family happily eating sandwiches even though they can only afford measly chicken salad sandwiches. He’s so overcome with compassion, he buys them all French dip sandwiches and they eat happily ever after.
The good book says it best: “Whoever does not love does not know sandwiches, because sandwiches are love.”
Schumaker is a junior in film and media studies from Overland Park.
